why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
