I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
