bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
