do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
