Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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