I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
