I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
