I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
