When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
