were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
God I need to hump something, right now.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
