Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
