I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
zippers are such a cool invention
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
