Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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