Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
