you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
