this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
