i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You pole danced in your parka.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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