he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
