so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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