Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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