I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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