tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
