i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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