somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
