do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
