There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
