what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
