I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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