I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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