he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
