thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
