My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
