Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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