finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
