my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
