she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
