Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
