I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
