Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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