Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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