I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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