Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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