we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
