i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
