my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
