Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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