just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
