I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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