We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
