Your mouth is God's brothel.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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