We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
