A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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