He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
porn star boner night. come get it.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
